Let’s look at the buzzword of the year, Quantum Healing.
It’s a phrase that I find hilarious.
Words have power, and the literal translation of quantum healing is healing by the smallest amount possible.
Imagine you have a cut on your finger. You apply some ointment and a band-aid, and hope it will heal soon. But what if it only heals by one atom every day? That’s quantum healing for you. You would need billions of years to heal a simple wound. How frustrating would that be?
Or imagine you have a headache. You take some painkillers and wait for them to kick in. But what if they only reduce your pain by one photon every hour? That’s quantum healing for you. You would barely notice any difference in your suffering. How annoying would that be?
In the literal sense, quantum healing is not something you want to experience in real life. It’s the opposite of effective and efficient. It’s the worst kind of healing imaginable.
It’s a relief to appreciate how lucky we are that our bodies and minds can heal much faster than that.
So next time you hear someone talk about quantum healing, here is a nice experience to imagine, The Quantum Spa Experience
Imagine a spa where subatomic particles sip cucumber water, don tiny spa robes, and engage in deep conversations about their quantum chakras. Buckle up, because you are about to unravel the tiniest spa towels in the universe!
Your first session is with the The Quantum Whisperer:
These whisperers—let’s call them “Quantum Guru Nanoparticles”—gather around your cells and chant, “Om, Om, Oscillate!” Your mitochondria nod appreciatively.
Next up is Subatomic Yoga:
Electrons stretch their wave functions. They perform Downward Dog (or should we say “Downward Schrödinger’s Cat”) while contemplating their uncertain positions. Namaste, little electrons!
But don’t forget your Quantum Mantras:
“I am one with the vacuum fluctuations.”
“My quarks are aligned.”
“My aura radiates Planck-scale positivity.”
“I manifest abundance in Hilbert space.”
And then we get to the Quantum Spa Treatments:
First up is the Wavefunction Massage: Your particles oscillate gently, releasing stress knots. The uncertainty principle ensures you’re never quite sure where the masseuse’s hands are.
Move on now to Entanglement Facials: Two particles become entangled, sharing rejuvenating secrets. “Darling, your spin is positively radiant!”
And you can finish off with Quantum Reiki: Energy flows through you, guided by Heisenberg’s uncertainty angels. They whisper, “Your aura is so indeterminate today!”
A very parodic view, but that’s what goes through my head when I hear this phrase used so frequently across the field of holistic approaches.
And if you are a quantum healer, and this post upsets you, take it as a joke. My quark is worse than my bite.