There is a difference between being relied upon and having no acceptable way to say no. From the outside, the two can look remarkably similar. Someone remembers the appointments, rearranges their working day, notices what needs doing. Everyone agrees they are wonderfully dependable. Whether they ever had much choice can remain conveniently unexplored.
The reported launch of a recommendation on gender stereotypes by the UN Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women brings that distinction into view. OHCHR reports that the committee met with states and launched a general recommendation addressing gender stereotypes and the unequal power relations that sustain them. The headline gives no basis for judging the detail or likely effect of that recommendation. It does, however, offer a reason to look at how expectations acquire authority in ordinary life.
A stereotype need not arrive as an insult. It can sound like praise. Calling someone a natural carer may express genuine appreciation, while also making it harder for them to admit that they are exhausted, want different work, or simply do not want to be responsible on this occasion. Admiration becomes restrictive when departure from the admired role is treated as a character defect.
There is a complication here. People do have preferences, and a freely chosen arrangement may look thoroughly conventional. A woman who wants to devote herself to caring for her family should not have to defend that choice against someone else’s preferred account of liberation. Nor does every unequal division of tasks prove coercion.
The more revealing question is what happens when the arrangement needs to change.
Can the person doing the caring ask for something different without being accused of selfishness? Will the others accept inconvenience, or does their support for choice last only while nothing is asked of them?
Within a household, revising an expectation has practical consequences. Somebody else may have to leave work early. A plan may become more expensive. A capable person may have to learn a task they have been content to leave to another.
That is where a discussion about stereotypes becomes a discussion about responsibility. It is relatively easy to approve of another person’s freedom in principle. Their changed plans may require us to change ours.