There is something exhausting about having to explain why an insult mattered to someone who has already decided it should not have mattered very much. Before the conversation has properly begun, the person describing the hurt is being asked to defend their right to feel it.
ABC News reports a rise in racism complaints. The headline alone cannot tell us whether that reflects more incidents, a greater willingness to report them, or some combination of the two. It does, however, invite us to consider what happens when someone speaks up. A complaint reaches another human being, and that person’s response can make speaking seem worthwhile or leave the complainant wishing they had stayed quiet.
Much of ordinary life depends on our willingness to take seriously experiences we have not shared. We manage this readily enough in other circumstances. Someone tells us that a room is too cold; we do not usually demand a detailed account of their childhood relationship with temperature. Yet when the discomfort concerns racism, attention can shift remarkably quickly from what happened to whether the person reporting it is too sensitive.
There is a legitimate complication here. Listening does not settle every disputed fact. An accusation can have serious consequences, and a fair response must allow evidence to be examined and those accused to answer. Taking a complaint seriously requires that care too.
But fairness becomes an excuse for avoidance when scrutiny falls entirely on the person who spoke up, while everyone else’s assumptions pass unexamined. The familiar colleague gets the benefit of being known. The complainant gets the burden of being credible.
In a workplace, a family or a circle of friends, we may have little control over the formal handling of a complaint. We still control whether our first response makes an honest account easier to give. We can let someone finish. We can ask what happened before offering an explanation for somebody else’s behaviour.
Sometimes that will mean tolerating an uncomfortable possibility about a person we like. Affection is understandable. It is also a poor reason to stop listening.